Faith

After a few months of writer's block and not feeling about writing much of anything, I got a wave of emotion that came over me yesterday...topic for my blog.

For the last 3 years, my husband and I have been dealing with infertility. The good news is that the doctor's have not found anything that would prevent me from getting pregnant so it is just a matter of patience, waiting, therapy, and a stroke of luck.

In the beginning when we learned of our infertility I was on the emotional wave spectrum. First I was hopeful but little did I realize what this journey would entail. Then after 2 failed IVF's, fear, hopelessness, sadness and depression kicked in. I would read various online forums with other women dealing with infertility and it would scare the shit out of me. Many of these women were obsessed with having their own child and had treatment after treatment spending money and all their savings to just end up in disappointment. I was also becoming obsessed myself and I hated the new me. It seemed that this was our only mission, thought and life purpose.

Then one day, after news of the 2nd failed IVF and mourning the loss of what was for a small "embryo second" my child, I was in deeper depression than I had ever experienced. Sitting at work and numb to the world, I got an email about a tri training camp that would take place in a few weeks. It was all I could do to sign up and attend. I was years out of shape, lacked confidence, had become non-social and had been physically abused with shots, hormones, drugs, blood tests, scans and operations. Little did I know that this tri camp would be the start of a glorious journey of mind, body and spirit. Triathlon along with my test of faith would be my new mission.

A little over a year later after a break from treatment, my therapy continues. But as I write, I look at my wall lined with medals and trophy's. I have completed a Marathon and a Ironman 70.3. I have podium finished in almost every local race I have signed up for. And my faith in God has grown and strengthened due to some very close friendships and bible study gatherings. I was not going to be that obsessive women who would loose my life obsessing over a pregnancy. And in turn, because of life's unfortunate twists, I have athletic achievements that I only could dream were possible.

I don't know if I will ever get pregnant. But I do know that I will be a mother. I still have my bad days and fear and doubt try to creep in but I am standing strong on my faith. Faith is the power you have over the uncertain. It allows you to enjoy the moment, enjoy life! And if we don't live this moment with all we have, then our memories are filled with regret and our future with out hope. And in my case, sometimes not getting what you want when you want it is the greatest gift of all.

What I have learned is that you need lead your life with faith even more so when you are wilting. For as Jesus said "O woman, great is thy faith be it unto thee even as thou wilt" (Matthew 15:28) which I read as your faith is more powerful than you and you must live it, trust it and be it even when you are not your best.

My faith is being tested each and every day but it is also what keeps me living in the moment...enjoying all the wonderful things that make up my life-past, present and future!

My life is not up to me and after reading an article in Yoga Journal that a dear friend sent me, it says "Have you considered that maybe the timing of your conception isn't only up to you? Perhaps there is the spirit of the baby to consider. Who is to say that he or she doesn't have some say in all of this?"

For me as I continue on my journey, I rest knowing that it is in God's hands.


Picture above is by the artist Aung Myint "Mother & Child" - "Moving in a different direction, the series are an exercise in planned spontaneity. A meditative exercise, Myint conceived of the drawings in his head, yet carried them out spontaneously with one continues line. The goal was to move his hand in a relaxed and free manner, to achieve a singular, flowing form. The results are bold, spare and direct. The impact of these stark and iconic images are enhanced by Myint's use of textured, handmade mulberry-bark paper, produced by the Shan minority, who live in the eastern mountains of Myanmar. While very contemporary, these works hark back to the figures and line of classical Myanmar art."

Ithaca

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon — do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.

Then pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many,
that you will enter ports seen for the first time
with such pleasure, with such joy!
Stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and corals, amber and ebony,
and pleasurable perfumes of all kinds,
buy as many pleasurable perfumes as you can;
visit hosts of Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from those who have knowledge.

Always keep Ithaca fixed in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for long years;
and even to anchor at the isle when you are old,
rich with all that you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have taken the road.
But she has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not defrauded you.
With the great wisdom you have gained, with so much experience,
you must surely have understood by then what Ithacas mean.

-K. P. Kavafis (C. P. Cavafy)

The magic of a 70.3, both as a competitor and a volunteer.

These last few weeks have been full of events, activities, travel and FUN!

Two weeks ago, I competed in my first Ironman 70.3 in St. Polten Austria. And last Sunday, I was able to volunteer for the first 70.3 triathlon distance to EVER be held in Greece - Astroman. Both events were a life changing experience not only physically but mentally and spiritually.

Both my husband and I trained for about 18 weeks in order to line up on the starting line of the Ironman 70.3 in St. Polten. We both did it and we both finished. It was our anniversary weekend - 5 years- so the entire event and victory represented the victory through the ups and downs of our relationship. It was sweet to come up on top!

The Ironman 70.3 St. Polten was my first international race and I made a lot of mistakes but I learned from them. My swim start was at 7:15am. I felt rushed before I got into the water to make my deep water start. I placed myself poorly in the group and this cost me precious minutes from my swim time. I never felt a rhythm during the entire swim. What I did feel the entire swim were women around me, kicking and pushing me off course.

The bike transition was long and it was the first time that I had to transition away from my bike (the few races I have done allowed me to have all my transition gear in one place and laid out in an organized fashion). My stuff was in a big bag. I had too much stuff since we just didn't know if we were going to face rain and cold. Bottom line: I was slow and confused during the transition.

On the bike and out of the transition was when I got that feeling...just an overwhelming feeling of being stoked to be in the race. I smiled and even talked to myself saying how awesome I felt and how great it is to be competing in an Ironman! The ride took us in and out of the Danube wine country, along the river and into little narrow villages and streets lined with Austrians clapping and yelling HOP HOP HOP! The bike went so quick! I paced well (maybe even too slow) and finished in about 3:13min.

We then entered the town of St. Polten again and into transition 2. I was feeling great as I hopped off my bike and ran to the T2 to pick up my run bag. My legs were fresh for the run and my starting pace was fast! I had to really slow myself down on the first 10K loop since I wanted to have energy to race the last 10K. Approaching the second loop, I was full on. My body felt great. I had no fatigue and I was ready to race the last 10K. I turn it on and burned past about 30 women on my way to the finish line. I ran a 2 hr half marathon.

Getting the Ironman medal represented not only the accomplishment of finishing the race but it was proof that I can tackle any challenge that will be thrown at me in this life. The reason I like to race endurance events is because I am able to tap into my soul, my spirit. I have the connection to my true being and a disconnect from my ego.

After Austria, we came back to bankrupt Greece. We missed the open green Austria country side, the hospitable people and the neat and orderly lifestyle. But after getting back to work, I prepared, along with the organizers of HOP! Events, to host the first ever 70.3 distance triathlon to ever be held on Greek soil. I was back and forth in my mind about potentially racing but decided that my role was better served to help manage the volunteer stations on the day of the race.

I never thought that volunteering could be almost as great as racing. This event - Astroman 2010 - was filled with good vibes from the start. The race day was hot (about 39 C with no breeze or relief) and the athletes need well organized and well stocked aide stations. I worked my butt off to make sure that everyone's role was utilized, that we had enough supplies and lets not forget about ice. I must have bought all the ice in the village of Astros. Greeks don't really use ice so finding big bags and unlimited supply was a challenge but we were successful. The athletes came to us after the race with comments like "If it were not for the volunteers, I would have not finished the race" and "On the entire run, the only thing that was keeping me going was your aid station". This experience was magic...to help out another athlete and pick them up when they are down is one of the best feelings! I made the right decision to not race b.c if I had raced, then I would not have been a positive impact that helped so many athletes cross that finish line under extreme conditions.

On this day, in the little beach town of Astros in the Peloponnese I saw hope for Greece. I felt positivity. I saw local spectators sitting outside of their house to cheer and support the athletes. I saw money being spent and shop keepers happy. If only the Greek government could WAKE UP and start supporting positive movements like this one, Greece would see a revolutionary change.

I don't have any short term plans or races booked but I am keeping fit because endurance racing and triathlon is part of my life. My reasons for not racing is that my job now is to have a baby. Then it is back to racing.

I have been on both sides of the starting line - as an organizer and a competitor. The magic is in both places and now my mission is to encourage others to get involved. This is where God is leading me and this is where I am headed.

Lessons learned

This past week completed week 16 of my 18 week Half Ironman program. This week is my last week before my taper. As an athlete, I think most of us always feel that we could have done more, put in more time, trained harder. But it is important to remember that we must also have fun. If it is not fun, then why are we doing this? I have skipped sessions, I have cut sessions short and not done them with the intensity required. But I have also listened to my body, had fun and lived my life.

What I learned in these past 17 or so weeks applies not only to my specific race but also to my life.

• Anything good takes hard work, patience and perseverance.
  
• It takes hours of repetition and not quitting to get it right and even then, it might not be perfect.
  
• It takes a strong will and discipline to start (the practice) that you don't want to do. But walk in the motions and before you know it, you are getting it done.
  
• Live in faith and not fear. Getting on that bike can be a scary thing (especially riding the Greek roads) but have faith that God will carry you through it safely.
  
• It is ok if you get derailed, get down, feel overwhelmed or quit. The important thing is not to give up, wake up to a new day and give it another go.
• Competitive spirit is good but it must be in check and not control you. Enjoy the spirit of competition but love your fellow athletes and wish them greater success.
• Don't train alone...get out there and meet others with the same passion.
• Train with those who are faster and better than you.
  
• Always learn and try new things.
  
• Don't get comfortable.
• Be flexible.
• Don't loose sight of what is most important in your life - your family and loyal friends.
• Give thanks to God for your abilities, power and success. The glory belongs to Him.
  

I have already lived these lessons in some shape or form and have learned but I have a long road ahead. This is one of many experiences that will allow me to keep growing. The race is never over, it has only just begun.

What is...

Walking to the pool this afternoon for my lunch break swim, I was happy. Content to be just walking, one foot in front of the other. Happy to be out in the Greek sun. I was in tune with everything around me...smells, sights, sounds. I was enjoying each second for what it gave me and not thinking about the seconds ahead nor the time that has passed behind me.

I got to the pool and swam for about 45 min. Light easy pace, concentration on my form and glide and watching the shiny reflection of the water ripples dance along the bottom of the pool. There was a beautiful little bird, black with blue striped wings, that joined me in my lane and dove down playfully to splash in the water. He was reminding me to have fun and be playful...enjoy the water.

Most of the time our brains are filled with stuff and 70% of that stuff will never happen. They are just thoughts and worries of "what if". I often stress about things that I need to do and I rush with trying to do a million things, to accomplish stuff and to check this stuff off my list.

Today's walk was a reminder that this universe holds my fate. I can work to make things good. I can work hard. I can make decisions and hope they are the right ones for my future but I ultimately have no control over this powerful universal force called life. I can either go with the flow or fight it. I can either enjoy each moment that life gives me or look too far ahead (or too far behind) and miss the moment. I can dwell on the "what if's" and miss out on "what is". Today I was able to live a bit "in" the moment...what is...

Happiness is giving.

Why does everything have to have this overwhelming wave of emotions? I can go from one minute to the next and reach the full spectrum of feelings.

This morning I watched a youtube clip of "Empire state of mind" and immediately I wished that I was back in NYC...homesickness once again. A few hours before that I woke up to the most beautiful sunshine in Athens and opened the sliding glass door of my bedroom to overlook Ymmitos mountain. And even now, working from home in board shorts and flip flops, I can take a sunny outside lunch break and give some kisses to my pup pup (who comes to work with me every day). I have it kinda good!

This weekend was a full of giving back to the sport of love. I have decided to help volunteer and dedicate more than 1/2 of my time to two triathlon organizations, sacrificing both time and money for experience. I love being involved and giving back but there is a price to pay.

My price this weekend was my training. I am training for the biggest race of my life, thus far, which is only a month away - Ironman 70.3 St. Polten. YIKES! My weekend training was effected in a major way b.c I just ran out of time and steam. Saturday after an entire day of helping at the clinic and pouring my emotions into helping some newcomers have a good experience with the sport, I cut my run down from 22k to 15k and due to fatigue, re-injured my toe. On Sunday, after volunteering at the mountain trail running race, I could not keep my eyes open during the car ride home. Instead of doing my BIG brick session, I took a nap. Then, it was all I could do to jump on the trainer for a messily one hour bike, while counting the seconds until I was done the session. This not helping my athletic performance.

And on happiness, a friend of mine wrote on her FB status that she is looking for what really makes her happy, and that it is harder than you think. I replied saying that happiness comes from within and it is love. It can not be found in a situation, person or place. Happiness comes in waves...we just have to ride the wave. But it is harder than you think.

So with my heart and soul, I will keep giving and I will keep loving. I will have faith that with all of this, I will reap the fruits of my labor for when my time comes to be back in my USA.

NY...concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there is nothing you can't do...

Don't let life let you down

Trying to ride high but life is getting in the way. So much to do and so little time. We live in a world with information overload and all these are distractions to me. I feel that I just can't organize to chip away at the important things...filter out the distractions and focus my energy on the things that will actually get me somewhere.

There is too much thinking and not enough doing. But I am doing. It is not like I am sitting all day long watching TV. But then, why am I so tired at the end of the day and why do I feel that what I have done is just not enough?

With every problem there is a solution. What is mine? I will start with the simple tasks and list technique. I will start to mimic those that are accomplishing great things. I will surround myself with like minded people.

After all, it is not that bad. I do have goals. I do have a path. It might not always be the day that I expect but I am doing something. With God on my side in just a few months I will hold the title of IRON-wo-MAN. This is one great accomplishment!

The sun will always set and there will always be a new day.

I love sunsets, more so than sunrise. Maybe because sunsets represent a day well lived where we have tried our best in this world to do what is right, to follow our life mission and to be thankful that God had kept us safe to see another day.

Yesterday I had a bad day. Nothing really happened to make me that way but I was just depressed and down on life. So I cried, I prayed and I tried to put one foot in front of the other to get something done. I didn't do all that was on my "list". It was a day off training so my husband and I gave some time to the puppy and took her to the dog park to play. And this decision allowed me to see a beautiful sunset and to take a moment to reflect just how wonderful my life really is. I have my health, a wonderful husband and stepson, a great puppy dog, a brother and mother that love me unconditionally, a roof over my head, food on the table and much much more. I might not ever be exactly where I think I should be as an athlete, as a wife, as a mother, in my career but I am moving forward to where I need to be spiritually and I have so much to be thankful for. I am not hungry, cold, sick, alone.

I realize that it is ok to have bad days, to scream and fight life, to be disappointed in yourself, to be disappointed in others and not always ride high. But I have also realized that when you fall down, just get right back up and brush the dirt off your shoulders. Others are counting on us. Don't look back but look forward because the sun will set and it will rise again with endless possibilities, great achievements and many many more of God's gifts (and his sunsets).

We only get what we give!

Wake up kids
We've got the dreamers disease
Age fourteen
They got you down on your knees
So polite
We're busy still saying please
Frienemies
Who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night
We smash their mercedes benz
First we run
And then we laugh 'till we cry
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
you feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget we only get what we give
[I'm comin' home baby]
[You're tops, give it to me now]
Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile
We're flat broke
But hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find a friend
You feel your tree is breaking
Just bend
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give
This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok follow your heart
You're in harms way I'm right behind
Now say you're mine
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give
Don't let go
I feel the music in you
Fly high
What's real can't die
We only get what we give
You're gonna get what you give
Just dont be afraid to live
Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson
courtney love and marilyn manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in

song by New Radicals - You get what you give

a little bit of this...a little bit of that...

I have either the blessing or curse to have two homes. One in Greece and one in the USA. This makes life more complex than one would think. For the last 5 or so years, I have been pulled between the two and this has caused a great unrest for my soul. Just when I start to settle, I change again. This time three weeks ago (and just when things were riding high) I had to leave Greece due the death of my aunt.

I have a small family. It was just the four of us growing up: Dad, Mom, Michael, and me. My father passed away in 2001, an event that would be one of the most difficult to deal with even as I write this over 8 years later. I am still dealing with it especially during those times that I look for his advice and his blessings. So when my aunt passed away three weeks ago, I had to be there not only to help with the arrangements (we are her only family) but for emotional support. This was my fathers sister and the last direct living relative that we had. She was also my Godmother.

Even though it is hard, I always look at death as a celebration of life! Death is only hard for us remaining here on earth. This hit me when we had to organize and donate my aunts last possessions. We are on this planet for a short time and all the worldly possessions will not go with us therefore life is how we live and not what we have. It is just our soul that leaves this world. So, it is our soul that we must perfect (and no amount of money or worldly possessions will help with this journey).

So, as I try to get back on track and keep my focus on work, triathlon, and family, I am even more driven. My goals are aligned to what will best serve my soul. I am ready to push my mind, body and spirit farther than I thought possible. Training: bring it on! Life: bring it on! I am ready for the test of life because with out being tested, we can not realize how great we really are.

"...but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need"

The Rolling Stones had it right. "You can't always get what you want." But, put yourself out there, follow your heart, work hard, and you will find that things will fall into place and you will get all that you need (and then some).

It is hard to filter life's clutter and grab the important things. My biggest challange is to organize, focus and manage my time all while working toward my goals. I have to make these goals visible and put them in front of me everyday or I will get sidelined. I am my own worst enemy and I am working on that. Sometimes, just "being" is all that is necessary. I don't have to move mountains every day.

This Ironman 70.3 training plan and my nutrition plan is a good way to get started. This weekend was dedicated to training, both Saturday and Sunday. All day at Schinias swimming, biking and running. It felt good to be out there. To be in God's country away from the concrete jungle. My spirit was humbled, by body was working, my mind was at peace. OK, so what if the house is a mess, the office is not as organized as I would like, and each evening when I get home I have to cook and plan our next heathly meal instead of sitting down to read or relax. I do struggle with all the "other things" I want to do and need to catch up on: being a wife and stepmom, seeing friends, reading, pampering, playing with puppy, organzing my photos and itunes, learning more about tri, discovering new recipes, cleaning house, and the list goes on and on. But if I get caught up in all this "stuff" then what am I really acomplishing at the end of the day, a clean house that will just get dirty again?

I am fortunate to have my husband on this journey with me (we are both competing in Austria). He is my inspiration and pulls me up when I am falling down. My stepson is 15 and has his own agenda so our comitment to the sport does not bother him. He loves that his dad is happy now and has found a new life with sport. He is happy that we are happy and healthy. It makes him feel proud that his dad and stepmom are doing something that many people in Greece only dream to do. And he is always a part of it. We even bring our puppy Tami with us on the weekends. She has her time to run and play on the beach before and after practice and she has her nap time in the car when we are training.

Balance is everything. Time management to keep the balance between work, goals and life. I want to be successful at everything but that is just not possible. So, I will keep focused on my goals and balance my life to make sure that I can tend to everything.

And looking back two years ago, if I actually got what I wanted I would not be where I am today. Today is where God's wants me to be...it is my destiny. I am in Greece for a reason and this journey is just what I need.

If you're not living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space!

Yesterday, I learned of the death of a neighbors daughter who was close in age with me and whom I used to play with her sisters as a kid. She was probably in her late 30's or just 40. She died of liver failure. It is hard to accept a young life lost, a life that leaves behind the parents of children that are supposed to leave this earth first.

We all think that our life will be like it is written in a story book: your are born, grow up, marry, have kids, have grandkids, retire, live the golden years, and then die at peace with your family around you. Well, in this wicked world, life does not always go as we plan. And most of us waste precious time and even years thinking about what we don't have in our life instead of what we do have. We think about what we wish we did instead of getting up and just doing it. We think the grass is greener on the other side, that friends and people around us have the life we wish we had: they are more successful, have a nicer house, a better car, have more money, a better family, more motivation, are happier.

Success and happiness is a state of mind and it takes work. If we all just made ourselves smile for just even 5 minutes a day (even if we didn't feel like it) innate feelings of happiness would flow and our mind would clear to what we should be focusing on and achieving. The truth is that life is hard work and we only have once chance (and not much time).

Life is just not a timeline but it is how you fill that timeline. How are we making life better for everyone in this game? Are we helping, smiling, encouraging, energetic, positive, gracious and less self absorbed? Do we love our neighbors like we love ourselves (do we love ourself)?

In this time of madness and turmoil, darkness and tragedy, war and suffering, our spirit is the only thing we can control with certainty!

We must seek out God's plan for us and find our God given talents. When we find these talents it is our duty to use them for God's work here on earth. The path is not always clear, it is cluttered with life and disappointment but trust that that Holy Spirit will guide us through the fog. Have FAITH (something we can not see, touch or feel but must trust is there to lead us on our path)

So, live life on the edge! Don't be afraid to take chances! Enjoy life's little gifts. Laugh, smile, run, jump, scream, dance, sing, cry, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

Find your talent and then use it! And, if you are not sure then pray and ask God to lead you down His path. The universe will answer your calls but you have to give off the positive vibes in order to be heard.

WE ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE so lets do it right!

Soul, Body and Spirit

Today I was reading an article by Gloria Copeland in the "Believer's Voice of Victory" magazine which sums up the overall theme of my blog and my journey. I liked the way she describes our triune (three-in-one) person - the three elements of the human.

"Your body is made up of the elements of the earth. God created every part of your body to cooperate with and thrive in the earth in which you live. It holds up and carries you throughout your life"

"Your soul is made up of your mind, your will and your emotions. By your soul you interact in your life and express yourself"

"Who you truly are is defined by your spirit-the real you. It is the heart and the core of your true life. It is the very life in you."

Through sport, all three elements are tapped. And I believe that my purpose on this earth is to take these God given talents on this journey to explore this triune. Through love of myself and others, the impossible becomes possible.

This week is the start of my Ironman 70.3 training. This 18 week self plan will take me all the way to the race date: May 30, 2010 in St. Polten, Austria. This journey will be of self discipline, self exploration, patience and love. I ask the Holy Spirit to be with me on this journey, to keep me safe, and to give me the power to go on when I feel like giving up. This higher power is so much greater than anything on this earth. The universe will answer my callings as I continue on my journey. BRING IT ON!