Tuesday, September 28, 2010
After a few months of writer's block and not feeling about writing much of anything, I got a wave of emotion that came over me yesterday...topic for my blog.
For the last 3 years, my husband and I have been dealing with infertility. The good news is that the doctor's have not found anything that would prevent me from getting pregnant so it is just a matter of patience, waiting, therapy, and a stroke of luck.
In the beginning when we learned of our infertility I was on the emotional wave spectrum. First I was hopeful but little did I realize what this journey would entail. Then after 2 failed IVF's, fear, hopelessness, sadness and depression kicked in. I would read various online forums with other women dealing with infertility and it would scare the shit out of me. Many of these women were obsessed with having their own child and had treatment after treatment spending money and all their savings to just end up in disappointment. I was also becoming obsessed myself and I hated the new me. It seemed that this was our only mission, thought and life purpose.
Then one day, after news of the 2nd failed IVF and mourning the loss of what was for a small "embryo second" my child, I was in deeper depression than I had ever experienced. Sitting at work and numb to the world, I got an email about a tri training camp that would take place in a few weeks. It was all I could do to sign up and attend. I was years out of shape, lacked confidence, had become non-social and had been physically abused with shots, hormones, drugs, blood tests, scans and operations. Little did I know that this tri camp would be the start of a glorious journey of mind, body and spirit. Triathlon along with my test of faith would be my new mission.
A little over a year later after a break from treatment, my therapy continues. But as I write, I look at my wall lined with medals and trophy's. I have completed a Marathon and a Ironman 70.3. I have podium finished in almost every local race I have signed up for. And my faith in God has grown and strengthened due to some very close friendships and bible study gatherings. I was not going to be that obsessive women who would loose my life obsessing over a pregnancy. And in turn, because of life's unfortunate twists, I have athletic achievements that I only could dream were possible.
I don't know if I will ever get pregnant. But I do know that I will be a mother. I still have my bad days and fear and doubt try to creep in but I am standing strong on my faith. Faith is the power you have over the uncertain. It allows you to enjoy the moment, enjoy life! And if we don't live this moment with all we have, then our memories are filled with regret and our future with out hope. And in my case, sometimes not getting what you want when you want it is the greatest gift of all.
What I have learned is that you need lead your life with faith even more so when you are wilting. For as Jesus said "O woman, great is thy faith be it unto thee even as thou wilt" (Matthew 15:28) which I read as your faith is more powerful than you and you must live it, trust it and be it even when you are not your best.
My faith is being tested each and every day but it is also what keeps me living in the moment...enjoying all the wonderful things that make up my life-past, present and future!
My life is not up to me and after reading an article in Yoga Journal that a dear friend sent me, it says "Have you considered that maybe the timing of your conception isn't only up to you? Perhaps there is the spirit of the baby to consider. Who is to say that he or she doesn't have some say in all of this?"
For me as I continue on my journey, I rest knowing that it is in God's hands.
Picture above is by the artist Aung Myint "Mother & Child" - "Moving in a different direction, the series are an exercise in planned spontaneity. A meditative exercise, Myint conceived of the drawings in his head, yet carried them out spontaneously with one continues line. The goal was to move his hand in a relaxed and free manner, to achieve a singular, flowing form. The results are bold, spare and direct. The impact of these stark and iconic images are enhanced by Myint's use of textured, handmade mulberry-bark paper, produced by the Shan minority, who live in the eastern mountains of Myanmar. While very contemporary, these works hark back to the figures and line of classical Myanmar art."